Compassionate Parenting is a topic not talked about enough. But what does it mean? And more importantly, what does compassionate parenting look like?
Going back to basics, the word compassionate is defined as “feeling or showing sympathy and concern for others.” Thus, when one practices compassion for others, they put themselves in their shoes and try to see their troubles from their perspective. In the same vein, compassionate parenting is like this as well but more so focused on your kids.
When children are experiencing a meltdown or are having difficulty speaking up their mind, it can be a challenge to respond to situations like these calmly but there might be a reason behind such actions that you may not be aware of. Furthermore, even if the reason seems to be trivial, there could still be a deeper meaning to it. But by employing an approach that allows you to use compassion towards your children, it can help you understand things from their perspective—whether or not they feel safe and comfortable in their environment or with the people surrounding them.
That being said, what does compassionate parenting entail? Steven Stosny, Ph.D., founder of CompassionPower, outlines the general skills and discipline of compassionate parenting as follows:
Listen to your children.
Often, children’s voices aren’t heard enough making them feel as if their feelings don’t matter. No matter what stage of development your child is, listening to them is a healthy way for them to voice out their troubles and random ramblings instead of them bottling up their feelings and thoughts. But most of all, it opens up an opportunity for conversation between you and your child which then allows you to build a healthy relationship with one another built in trust and understanding.
As much as possible, let the solutions to their problems come from them.
As children mature, they will inevitably run into problems that hinder their progress. While it is instinct for a parent to help their children out, you must also leave room for them to solve their problems. Rather than give out answers, provide guidance instead which can help lead them into the solutions they seek for. In this way, they won’t become dependent and can learn to think for themselves.
Understand that change stimulates emotional responses.
Whether or not the change is good or bad, you and your child will react to it charged with emotion, negative or otherwise. In times like this, negative emotions tend to be more common during transitions which is why striving to make the transition as smooth as possible is a good approach to take as it lessens the friction of the circumstance.
Respond to positive emotions as well as negative.
Oftentimes, negative emotions tend to be acknowledged more and responded to. While responding to negative emotions isn’t bad, positive emotions on the other hand should also be given the same attention and treatment. By giving attention to your child’s expression of interest and enjoyment, positive emotional responses are reinforced.
It’s important to remember however, that compassionate parenting doesn’t mean setting loose rules and being lax in disciplining your children. Quite the opposite actually. Dr. Stosny explains that compassionate parents are able to set firm limits about important issues regarding safety, health, education, morality, money management, etc.
When it comes to disciplining children it’s worth noting that “the long run” is key, as Dr. Stosny describes. Disciplining doesn’t concern just one specific behaviour. Rather, it is a long-term project with the purpose of establishing general guides towards behaviour.
Here are some general guidelines regarding discipline listed by Dr. Stosny:
Discipline does not equate punishment.
The focus should be towards how children can do better as opposed to fixating on their mistakes or errors.
Be mindful of your motivation as a parent.
Disciplining your children must come with the parental motivation to protect, nurture, encourage, influence, and guide them as well as to set healthy limits.
Fit the discipline style to the temperament of the child.
The disciplining style or technique employed on an energetic and outgoing child could work well for them, but when applied to another child with a different temperament, for example a sensitive, inward child, can be damaging for them.
While compassionate parenting can work wonders for children, they’re not the only ones who benefit from it. More specifically, parents who practise self-compassion are able to increase their positivity, optimism, resilience, and happiness. In turn, this helps them become better parents, as it improves their well-being and response to parenting. Furthermore, by being a model of exercising kindness onto yourself, your children will also see the importance of taking care of one-self. However, being kind to oneself is hard work as oftentimes, the voices in your head might be too loud and filled with many criticisms over the smallest of things. Thus, in practising self-compassion, it takes intentional steps to become self-compassionate.
Keep a journal.
Writing is a great method of releasing one’s burden, thoughts, feelings, and daily musings in life. In this way, you are able to cope with stressful situations rather than bottling it all up and eventually explode like a ticking time bomb. However, more than just simply writing about your day, try to write a letter to yourself from the perspective of a compassionate and kind friend.
Breathe.
Sometimes, there is no other way around a very hectic day. But, allowing yourself a small period to breathe can help relieve all that stress and tension. Try out different breathing exercises and find which one works best in keeping you grounded.
Give yourself a break.
Whether it’s a 5 minute break with your favourite book or treating yourself to your favourite food, don’t forget to give yourself a break. Being a parent is hard and there are many layers to it that other people might not see. However, it’s important to keep in mind that no one’s perfect, and as a parent this rings true. Rather than beat yourself up for it, give yourself time to breathe and recover so you can come back stronger than ever, not only for your children but also for yourself.
Comments