Every parent has their own method of raising their child. Whether they are the authoritarian type or permissive one, there are certain values that they ultimately impart that can help these children grow and succeed as individuals. Having curiosity, emotional depth, and learning how to be kind are just a few of the many traits that can help them thrive in the future. But perhaps another value many parents are overlooking is the value of self regulation.
Now what does self regulation mean?
Essentially, it is the ability to be able to understand and manage one’s own behaviour and reactions regarding their feelings and the things that are currently happening around them. People with good self regulation are able to control strong reactions or emotions like anger, frustration, embarrassment, and even excitement. They are able to calm down after learning about something exciting or upsetting. Moreover, they can focus on tasks more effectively and can shift this focus onto newer tasks with ease. Ultimately, they are able to control their impulses and are able to behave in ways that help them get along with other people.
Why is self regulation important?
Children who learn about self regulation are able to learn well in school as this allows them to be able to sit and attentively listen in class. They are able to behave in social gatherings because they have the ability to control their impulses. This also enables them to make more friends because they know how to take turns in playing games, sharing toys, and expressing their emotions in an appropriate manner. Lastly, self regulation helps them become more independent.
In recent times, a lot of changes have already occurred that affect a child’s growth. With the introduction of technology and social media, having self regulation is even more vital. Kids nowadays are quite tech-savvy and would even demand having a cell phone from their parents so that they can catch up with their peers who are active on many social media platforms. While having access and being exposed to many things on the internet can be worrisome, no one can really fully control the things that are already put out on the interwebs. Though there may be apps that regulate inappropriate content, it’s not really enough of a measure. Rather, what would be more effective is if children themselves are taught self control and self efficacy. Just how much time should they be spending on using their phones or tablets. How often should they be using it?
Can self regulation be taught or developed?
Yes, it can be taught and developed!
Children develop self regulation by having a loving and nurturing relationship with their parents. Having this type of relationship allows a child to learn how to think, understand, and communicate. They are able to express their emotions better and tend to develop good social skills.
It’s important to remember that self-regulation starts during a child’s infancy. As they become toddlers and eventually reach preschool, it develops even more, and further all the way into the stage of adulthood.
To illustrate, babies for example suck their fingers for comfort or cry even in the dead of the night because they are hungry. Meanwhile, as toddlers they may now be able to wait for food and toys albeit only for a short time. However, tantrums can still occur especially when they are overcome with strong emotions. On the other hand, preschoolers are beginning to learn how to interact and play with other children. They slowly start to understand what’s expected of them especially in a social setting. Further, as they finally start taking basic education in school, they become better at controlling their wants and needs, and have a more developed perspective that enables them to understand various situations and other people. Finally as preteens and teenagers, they become better at planning and sticking to difficult tasks. They now know how to behave appropriately within society and even comprehend how their conduct can affect other people.
But of course, not everyone is the same and a child’s growth too, varies. While it would be ideal that in every stage of their lives they become better at self regulating, some children will inevitably face difficulties and that’s understandable. Some of them may feel things so intensely that they find it hard to regulate their emotions. Meanwhile, those who are easygoing tend to face less difficulty. But rather than compare these children to others, it’s better to exercise patience and understanding in helping them develop and grow.
Here are some ways a parent can help their child learn and practice self regulation:
1. Help them develop their skills in understanding and their handling of emotions.
This can be done by recognizing and naming emotions. For example, when watching a TV show, label the emotions seen on a character and try to explain to them why this character feels a certain way. Another way is by helping them understand what they’re feeling. If they have a smile on their face when they receive
2. Employ calming down techniques for toddlers, preschoolers, or even preteens and teenagers.
For toddlers: Time-in is a technique used to calm toddlers down. It involves staying close while offering comfort and reassuring children that their feelings are understood.
For preschoolers/preteens/teenagers: When a child needs help calming down, parents should guide their child into noticing the emotion, naming it, and then taking a pause. After they’ve calmed down, address the behaviour and problem solve together.
3. Become a model of self regulation.
Prepare ahead for situations where it might be hard for younger children to behave well. Set a simple rule they have to follow and give them a gentle reminder every now and then.
Acknowledge the effort a child makes when they’ve shown self regulation. Praise them for managing a situation well.
Keep in mind that no one is perfect, and expecting a child to be able to self regulate at all times is a little too much of an expectation. There are many different things that can affect their ability to self regulate. This can be from fatigue, illness, or a change in their routine. Their environment can also affect their reactions and behaviour. However, these are fairly typical problems. If these problems continue to persist as they grow older however, then it’s a good idea to speak to a professional about it in order to help the child better.
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